Liminal
by i.paint.the.sky
Summary: Monologues by the Solo twins, during the gap between YJK and the NJO (to explain their drastic character changes).  Epilogue now up.  COMPLETE.
1. Jaina: Monologue 1

*~*~*  
  
Liminal: The transition phase between two stages of life  
  
*~*~*  
  
I, of course, do not own Star Wars. I wasn't even born when it was created!  
  
This story is set in the six month gap between the end of the Young Jedi Knights series and the beginning of the New Jedi Order.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Jaina  
  
I find myself wondering what happens now? Where do we go from here? What comes next? I have so many questions but no idea of the answer. So much uncertainty that can't be overthrown. Anything could happen.and likely will.  
  
I've had such an odd life these last few years. actually very few things that have ever happened to me would be considered anything but odd. But these last few years have been, well, "perfect". Or so they appeared, at least. The good guys always win, the bad guys always lose. No matter what happened, everything worked itself out.  
  
But as lovely at that fairy tale is, I know it can't be true. Evil does triumph, and good people do die. And everyone else just continues to live, day by day.  
  
I have seen death, but never the death of someone close to me. I know that  
  
it will happen eventually, and that scares me. There are so many people I care about: Dad, Mom, Jacen, Anakin, Uncle Luke, Aunt Mara, Chewie, even Threepio. I don't know what I would do if I lost any of them. But to think that the people around me are untouchable is to delude myself. To even think that I am untouchable is foolish.  
  
We are all mere mortals, despite what history seems to say.  
  
I don't mean to be depressing, only realistic. Reality can be harsh. I've seen that in my childhood, with my mother.ah, my mother. There's a complicated relationship lurking there. It may not seem that way to outsiders but, trust me, it is. I know I shouldn't blame her for not being around as much as most mothers, yet part of me does. I can't help it, feeling neglected. She was there as much as she could be, but it wasn't enough for me.  
  
But I don't want to go off on a tangent about my childhood. There are too many unresolved issues there anyway. And it's in the past. I want to look ahead, not behind.  
  
I'm worried about the future, but also excited. To use to old cliché, many different paths lay before me. I don't know which one I will choose, but whatever I do chose, I hope to enjoy it.  
  
There are just so many possibilities that my head is spinning. But I'm ready to face them, or at least I think I am.  
  
I have nothing but hope, with a touch of fear, for the future. 


	2. Jacen: Monologue 1

Jacen  
  
I've been reflecting on my life goals, and finding them trivial. For so long it seemed the greatest accomplishment I could think of was to make Tenel Ka laugh. Certainly it was not something easily done, but to consider that such an important goal does seem rather juvenile. Then again, most everything I do seems to be juvenile at some level.  
  
The last few years I have lived the stereotype that, in any other situation, would be called the class clown. I don't know why that role fell upon me. But somehow it did and somehow it stuck. But part of me now wonders whether that is who I really am. Once again, everything just seems so trivial. The only non-trivial part of my life is being a Jedi, and that was just fulfilling an expectation, as both my sister and brother have also done. When you are born into the Skywalker family, you are destined to belong to the Force.  
  
What is all comes down to is the fact that no one really knows me. Not my parents, not Uncle Luke, not even Jaina. I don't even know myself. I don't know who I really am, or where I'm headed.  
  
The future is filled with possibilities, but how can I possibly choose a path without an understanding of myself? How can I plan the future of someone I don't really know? It is impossible.  
  
The biggest problem is I don't know how to go about figuring this out. Do I continue playing my given part, making others laugh will keeping my uncertainty locked away? Do I go off on some quest, searching for true identity? Or do I just take small steps towards enlightenment.  
  
I don't know. And there's no one I can turn to. Father would never understand, neither would Mother I think. Even Jaina wouldn't, she has always been so certain of herself. No, in this I am alone. But perhaps it is for the best, because how could another person help you learn of your true self?  
  
I am now in a sort of limbo, Jaina as well, a part of life in-between other parts. The Academy is in the past, the rest of our lives are in the future. What shall be done now, in the present? There is no way of telling. But I hope that the answers to my questions will be soon become clear.  
  
Who am I? Who is Jacen Solo? A Jedi? A clown? Twin of Jaina, older brother of Anakin? Son of Han Solo and Leia Organa-Solo? Nephew of Luke Skywalker? Grandson of Darth Vadar?  
  
All this, yet so more. 


	3. Jaina: Monologue 2

Jaina  
  
My mother, my mother, my mother.Oh, my mother.  
  
I love her, but sometimes I can't stand her! During those times, when every thing she does - every little, insignificant thing - rubs me the wrong way, I just want to scream.  
  
But I don't. I hold it in, all the resentment, frustration, and general anger that storm inside my heart. Uncle Luke would say it is of the Dark Side. Well, he doesn't call Leia Organa Solo "Mom"!  
  
I've never really had the strongest bond with her, and yet I knew that in many ways we are very similar. Perhaps that is the problem. All the separations during my childhood, especially during my earliest years, didn't allow for us to become as close as we could have been. And thus our natures, though very alike, are bound to clash with each other more often than if the bond was there. They say opposites attract. Well, I think similars either attract very strongly, or repel each other completely. If you meet someone who's that much like you, you must either love them, or hate them. Or both.  
  
This does not mean I hate Mom. She is my mother, after all! It merely means that sometimes, she drives me crazy! And I find myself counting the days until I can escape her.  
  
I know I shouldn't resent Mom for my childhood, but she is the most likely target for blame. It was her job that kept us apart. Sure she did her best, I know she did, but sometimes it seemed like her best just wasn't good enough. Not for me, at least.  
  
I've known and felt love my entire life. I recognize this. But even that doesn't wipe away the pain and anger. Nothing seems to be able to erase the pain. Nothing.  
  
I wish I didn't have these feelings. I wish that I could just ignore them. But I can't.  
  
It's childish I know, but people seem to forget that I am a child. I'm only sixteen. Too young to be unaffected by adolescent turmoil, too young for rational thought to completely overcome emotion. I've been forced by everyone's expectations to grow up too soon mentally, but in so many ways I am still a child.  
  
I'm too young for all this 


	4. Jacen: Monologue 2

Jacen 

Sometimes I wonder where I came from. I'm not ignorant; I know the biology involved. But that doesn't explain it, not really. Where do I fit in as part of the genetic recipe known as Solo, with a dash of Skywalker for good measure?

I am a Jedi, so one side of the family is accounted for. But that is only an ability, albeit one that most of my identity has been centred around so far. But even with this familial skill, I still feel like an outsider. 

Perhaps I am like my mother. We are similar in a few ways, yet at the same time not. I have no interest in politics. I have seen how Mom has been torn apart by politicians, have seen her and the Jedi suffer attack after attack. I understand her wish to create a better galaxy, but I could never endure these methods. Then again, I don't see how it could be done any other way.

But right now thoughts of Mom are complicated, because of Jaina. My sister, my twin, who I am unbreakably bound to, yet also so separated from. We are just so different. Especially now. She's holding back something, some emotion just waiting to explode. I don't know what it is but I can feel it looming in the horizon, and I already fear its release from the depths of her heart. The only thing I do know is that this emotion, this darkness within Jaina, is closest to surface when Mom is around. And I can do nothing to help either of them.

And then there are the males in the family. 

I will admit (only to myself) that I can be jealous of Anakin. It's childish, but it's how I feel. He just seems to be such a golden child: powerful, likeable and able to solve any and all problems. Maybe it's just middle-child syndrome, but I feel totally eclipsed by my siblings sometimes. Anakin is always so perfect, and Jaina has always been the apple of my father's eye.

And that leads us to the member of my family I am least like. Dad. Sometimes I swear I'm not even related to him. He's everything I'm not. Maybe this difference was the motivation for my old mask, that of the joker. Maybe I was trying to be like him, reckless and carefree, serious in only the most serious of situations. But I can't be my father, any more than he can be me. I don't think we'll ever really understand each other.

Despite all the differences among family members, we all care for each other deeply. It may not always be evident, but the love runs deep. And no matter how outside I feel, I will always be grateful for this. 


	5. Jaina: Monologue 3

**Jaina**

I never asked for the Force. I didn't choose to be a Jedi. People always talk about destiny, but is it really such a great thing?

Sometimes**,** I wonder what life would be like if I was someone else, someonecompletely different. Someone who didn't have to worry about saving the universe from certain doom at least once a month. But I can't, because this is all I have ever known.

Some say the Force is a gift, something I should be grateful for. Yet at the same time it can be a curse. ****While it lets me do things others can't, it also dictates my future. I don't have the freedom to choose my own path. I will always been seen, first and foremost, as a Jedi.

I am also a pilot though. I love the feeling of traveling through space, guiding a ship through the vastness. My Jedi abilities do help with this, but I don't need them. Just look at Dad…he's one of the best pilots in the galaxy (if not _the_ best, as he likes to believe) and has absolutely no Force-sensitivity. I'm rather envious, really. No matter how hard I try, or how talented I become, people will always attribute it to being a Jedi. Everything I do will be seen as just a side-effect of the Force.

I want people to see me as being skilled, as being more than just a well-trained Jedi, but I don't think that will ever happen. Especially given who I am, the only niece of the Jedi's saviour. That view will always prevail, obscuring the chance of any other. No one will ever see beyond that, to the true me.

Except for the other Jedi. The Force has many aspects, and one of them is to bond Force-users to each other. Despite all I have to go through, some things are worth it. The bond I have to others, especially to Jacen, is incredibly precious. I revel in the feeling the lives around me, the heartbeat of the galaxy surrounding me wherever I go.

It's all so complicated. This jumble of thoughts and feelings doesn't always make sense, even to me, but little in life does. If I was given the option to be an average person, I'm not sure if I would take it. The Force is a part of me, and I am a part of it.

This is just one of many things I am honestly not sure of. I don't know what I want, yet I do at the same time.

Life is just so confusing.


	6. Jacen: Monologue 3

**Jacen**

I had a dream last night… more like a nightmare, really. Slumber attacked by a reoccurring memory I tried to bury in the past: the day I cut Tenel Ka's arm off.

It seems so long ago. One would think I would have moved past it. Even Tenel Ka herself has gotten over the incident, learning to live with only one arm. She even sees it as a positive experience, teaching her that simplybeing a good Jedi is not enough, especially when lightsabers are involved.

But for me, I can see nothing but violence and waste. And knowing that the capability to harm someone so much lies within me causes of the sleepless nights.

Everyone has darkness in them. It is part of the Force. It is part of life. And on that day I glimpsed mine. It was not my intent that revealed it, for I would never ever wish harm upon Tenel Ka. But in that moment I saw my own raw capacity for harm. I became aware that I could harm those I care about, without even intending to.

The galaxyis full of violence. Even the so-called peace the New Republic enjoys is overflowing with conflict. The Jedi are necessary to defend the peace. But can we really use our powers to fight? To take the lives of others? All our training with lightsabers was designed for one sole purpose: to battle. We learn the skills necessary to attack and counter-attack. But should we? Do we have the right?

The Force is a part of all life, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant.How can we justify using it to cause harm, even in the name a justice? All life is important.

I have so many questions, but I don't know where to find the answers. I don't know if anybody has them. Do I want to have another's views on such things imposed upon me?I have come to believe that every Jedi needs to decide, on their own, how to live their life. Every individual in the entire universe needs to decide this. Some may make the wrong choice, but it is still their choice to make.

I wonder what I will choose.


	7. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_I wonder what way I will choose._

Jacen sat beside the window, looking past his own reflection to gaze at the stars. Everything always seemed to small and insignificant when compared to the night sky. Soon it would be time for sleep, when he **c**ould put all his trouble**d** thoughts to rest.

But when the sun came up, they would return. They always did.

The sound a footsteps drew his attention back inside and he turned to see his sister entering the room. Jaina stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes scanning the room, before walking over to sit across from him. Jacen watched as she adjusted herself in the chair, seeking a comfortable position. Finally she sat still and her eyes came up to meet his.

"What have you been doing in here, all by yourself?"

"Thinking."

"Thinking about what?"

"Things."

"What type of things?"

Jacen sighed. "Just some stuff that's been on my mind lately."

They looked away from each other, silence looming heavily over the room.

Jaina was the first to look back. "You've changed."

"So have you."

She smiled slightly. "Maybe we're just growing up."

"Perhaps."

Jaina sighed. "It had to happen someday, after all. This perfect little life we've been leading is over now. No more protective bubble to hide in, not that we ever did hide to begin with. But even if we didn't use it, it was nice to know it was there…it's hard to explain."

"I understand. But things change, that's the way of life. All we can do is prepare ourselves to meet it the best we can."

Jaina nodded and they fell silent again, each turning towards the stars, seeking the answers that only the future could give.

* * *

(A/N Well, it's finally done. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed this story and special thanks to Yubs for beta-ing it for me) 


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